Pamodi Galagoda
Women and Pleasure
Sexual gratification of women is hardly spoken of. In the south Asian context where women are perceived to be docile creatures who exist to satisfy men. Women themselves view sexual release as something mainly enjoyed by men. In fact, women joke about it.
There are many common misunderstandings on masturbation. Especially for women. Not only in Sri Lanka but in many countries, there are myths like women lose their hymen if they masturbate, get rashes, swollen vaginal lips or even infertility. As we grow up with these thoughts circling around our mind, we create stigma around it. However, it is necessary for us to break these myths to think progressively.
When we’re young we assume that masturbating is wrong or bad, and we feel guilty about doing it. This is mainly because of the misconceptions surrounding it. and we can also inform ourselves by learning about it, and remembering that most people masturbate. And that it is perfectly normal, there’s nothing wrong with it. Talking to a counselor or a therapist may help, if you have trouble getting over guilty feelings.
Some women and girls masturbate every day, maybe multiple times, and some masturbates weekly or monthly, while others rarely do. What we have to understand is that it is okay to masturbate as much or as little as you like. Yet, if it becomes a burden for us or interrupts our daily life, then we can consult a counselor or a therapist to seek help if we think it is needed.
In the female anatomy there is a special body part that has been neglected for years. The sole purpose of this mysterious body part is pleasure. Picture a flower with closed petals. Within the flower is a nub that branches down into two bulbous legs. This is the image feminist and artist Sophia Wallace conjures when she talks about the part of a woman’s body that experiences the most sexual pleasure. Not the vagina, she explains, but the vulva, and especially the external clitoris — the “nub” within the vulva which contains about 8,000 nerve endings. “The clitoris is not this little nub on the outside of the vulva,” she says, “but is actually this large internal organ comprised of erectile tissue that’s similar in scale to the penis.”
The clitoris is the pleasure center of the vulva. It doesn’t have a central role in reproduction like the penis or vagina – it’s pretty much just there to make you feel good!” Interestingly enough only women have a clitoris. However, studies have shown that there is a recognizable Orgasm Gap between the two sexes.
| In 1559 – the Clitoris was “discovered” by an anatomist Renaldus Columbus who called it the “love of Venus” and spoke to what we know now is the primary function of the clitoris – as the seat of pleasure! He also was the first to hint at the erectile tissue in the structure of the clitoris. Perhaps, in fact, women discovered this ever since they first explored their bodies, but didn’t let men in on the secret.
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Some research indicates that the majority of women have faked it at least once in their lifetime.
The main reason for this is because culture proves to be ignorant towards the clitoris.Women need to be aroused for sex, just like men. Like the penis, the clitoris becomes erect during arousal. Women need to be aroused before penetration, or else the vagina doesn’t lubricate, and the cervix doesn’t pull back out of the way of the penis. Also, it is not only about intercourse. sex and intercourse are two different things. Sex can be considered as any activity we do before intercourse. Educating people on the fact that women don’t have a limited biological capacity for orgasm is important. Likewise, education for both men and women about the clitoris is needed.
Sri Lanka and female sexual pleasure
“නිමපිය ලා ම්පුව, දා ගනින් කටේ” – put out the lamp and put it in your mouth. Is an excellent folktale to talk about both consent and sexual pleasure of both parties. It is about a little boy who overhears his father say this to his mother, and imagines that she is eating the lamp. This common folktale among Sri Lankans portrays what sex is in Sri Lanka. Because sex is viewed as something only men experience.
Women are also more likely to orgasm if they receive oral sex (in addition to other activities like deep kissing and intercourse), according to the Archives of Sexual Behavior study but some studies show they are less likely to receive oral sex than they are to give it. Through healthy communication we can get to know our partners. What we like or dislike may differ according to person. We need to be communicating what we need and everyone is entitled to that.
Sex education in Sri Lanka continues to be problematic. And the topic of female sexual pleasure is nonexistent.
“I told a friend in school that I masturbate when I was 17 years old. She made it a rumor and told it as a sinful story to many girls in my grade. It made me feel insecure that I masturbated and the rumor grew to the point where some people would come up to me and ask whether I was addicted to watching porn” – 23, female, Kandy.
Women should be encouraged to experience sexual pleasure without guilt. There are women in Sri Lanka who are in committed relationships who have never experienced an orgasm in their life! Ever. Yet, they do not discuss this with their partner thinking it will hurt their ego. Because, once again we come to socially built ideas like women need to always be more “patient” than the man. This can be discussed patiently. If someone is in a committed relationship and one party has never experienced an orgasm in their life, what is the purpose of BEING in a committed relationship.
“Because my husband ejaculates in seconds, I was never able to experience an orgasm. Honestly, it never even occurred to him to ask” -58, Female, Kandy.
There are numerous stories of Sri Lankan boyfriends telling their girlfriends to not masturbate with objects due to the fear of breaking their hymen. Or “පෙට්ටිය” as some call it.
“vIrGIniTY”
A virgin is known to be a person who has not had sex before. However, modern day feminists question the validity of this statement as sex could be a variety of things. If a person has not had vaginal sex but have had anal sex, would that parson still be a virgin? Or if someone masturbates or has had oral sex multiple times, are they still a “virgin” just because they haven’t had vaginal sex? Or is it an idea society has created because of patriarchy to keep women from being free?
http://www.bakamoono.lk/en/article/6255/chasing-virgin-mary-staying-immaculate-in-an-internet-age
How birth control pills gave birth to pleasure
Q: What was created by an accident and then became the source of liberation for women?
Before May 1950 sex and child birth stood on equal grounds. Because of this misconception women had to be “protected”. This controlling however resulted as a barrier for proper education, career and general happiness of women. Even today in Sri Lanka it is believed that teaching is best suited for women as an occupation, why? Because her daily schedule is the same as any child under 18 years of age? In 1950 however the whole system took a turn due to one tiny thing. THE PILL! This paved the way for women’s independence and freedom. Arriving to the conclusion that a child is not the only purpose of sex but also pleasure.
How hormones work
Hormones are natural substances produced in the body. They help to relay messages between cells and organs and affect many bodily functions. The Roles your hormones play change over time. There are plenty of studies that had been done regarding the Benefits of sexual pleasure for women. Nimethri Gunasekara, counselling psychologist has written an article on how happy chemicals produce in our body during consensual sex.
“Having an orgasm releases endorphins — feel good chemicals in your brain. Orgasms can be a natural painkiller and can even help with period cramps.”
What happens when you have an orgasm?
Dildos, vibrators and sex enhancing pleasure toys are some options that women can use to indulge in self-love and pleasure. However, having access to them has been hitherto a problem in Sri Lanka. Top tip: There are online stores that deliver sex toys in Sri Lanka. They are just a google away.
Stop the stigma
Female masturbation is normal and it is time we end the stigma. The clitoris that has around 8000 or 12000 nerve endings [depending on which article you read] that exists only for the purpose of pleasure. The nerve endings in a penis don’t come anywhere close! Unfortunately, many women do not even know the clitoris exists. It is not dirty, women who masturbate cannot be labelled promiscuous. As mentioned in the article women experiencing sexual pleasure is just as normal as any man. Be it with someone else or alone.
As a society living in the 21st century we must learn to be a sex positive pleasure-based group of people. Sexual pleasure should be used in a positive tone just as any other form of pleasure. Forget self-pleasure; if we were to discuss sex in general, how would the health teachers in Sri Lanka react. Our school text books perceive that a child is the only purpose of sex. If there is at least an idea of sexual education within our schools it is talked in a negative way. However the positive aspect of intimacy and love that we can enjoy through sex is never discussed. The idea of sex itself has been reduced to the act of reproduction by patriarchal religion; ideas invented by man centuries and centuries ago. The reality is most of us do not learn about sex in a healthy classroom atmosphere. We learn through peers or personal experiences or porn. Sometimes these methods can be harmful. This is why sex education in schools is so important.
Sex is normal and it can be beautiful. If this idea is shared to young people in an effective way, people would not be ashamed to talk about it. From the time of puberty, and maybe even before, we think about sex. And it is important to humans. It can be a way we express emotions, communicate or understand one another. This can be taught in schools.
The above extract is taken from the Grade 7 Health and Physical Education textbook. The change our bodies go through during puberty is talked about in this section. Sexual Pleasure can also be easily included, in an age-appropriate manner, as most of us experience it. The urban legend of the school girl who pleasured herself with a beaker in the science lab is the known tale island wide regarding female sexual pleasure. Not only is this story told as a joke, but women masturbating is viewed as a joke as well.
The comments for the above was mainly men responding – using it as a joke. One comment was
“දුවගෙ number එක දෙන්නකො මම කියලා දෙන්නම්;)”
Should our society be this backward? Must we be so fragile to not talk to our children? This is why it is important to talk about sex. We have questions – and it is completely normal to have questions. Only by discussing and communicating these thoughts can we learn. This article aims to promote this idea. Masturbation is normal, Female Masturbation IS NORMAL TOO.
Loving your vagina, in every way, is not a sin. No more shame, no more secrets.