By Nathasha Edirisooriya
In recent weeks several videos has emerged in social media, preaching socially constructed roles of men and women, which obviously puts emphasis on the value of a well behaved, proper wife. In South Asian countries, girls are passively trained for marriage and the role of wife and mother, arguably from the time they can play with dolls and plastic cooking sets. This societal grooming is embedded in our culture to the point that even a minor mistake by a girl-child during homespun chores is met with comments such as “If you are incapable of this [a specific household chore], how are you going to lead a proper married life?” or “I feel sorry for the guy who marries you”. This not-so-subtle brainwashing in our society compels us to view marriage as the epitome of living. So, when a woman deviates from this social construct for whatever reason, she is often perceived as someone who is lost to the most sacred way of life.
According to the Trading Economics Journal (2021) mean age for the first marriage for a female in Sri Lanka was reported to be 23.9 years in 2016. Most often women on either side of this magical number are often playfully asked by peers, relatives, and colleagues about their prospective suitors, not taking into account the possibility that some women may intend on remaining single or unmarried.
There are lots of different types of single women, or unmarried women in Sri Lanka. These include but are not limited to those not yet married, lesbians who are in a loving relationship, women who choose to live together with their boyfriend and don’t want to get married, divorced women, and widowed women. Without a doubt, most, if not all of them, at some point, would have had to endure intrusive, unsolicited comments, questions, matchmaking attempts, and recommendations on good astrologers by all the concerned parties, including nosey neighbors. In addition, they would also have had to endure rumors, character assassinations, unsolicited flirting, and of course invitations to engage in sex and/or relationships from both unmarried and married men. This is almost a custom that single and unmarried women [arguably worse for divorcees and ageing spinsters] face in Sri Lanka, perceived perhaps as a necessary offshoot of the marriage custom.
Chatting with some single friends to gather experiences for this reflection, there emerged a pattern of family pressure to get married that was seen as intolerable. Conversely, it gets so much easier when women get support from their family to live the life they choose, even if that support is from only one member of the family, especially a parent. One of my friends, well educated, excelling in her career, decided to call off her wedding. The aftermath – the comments, the remarks, the looks, the stories, the gossip – she endured it all, and said it was easier because she had the support of her father. Similarly, a lesbian girl from a very conservative family told me that, her mother knows about her relationship with another woman, and even though she is not thrilled about it, her mother covers for her and defends her when relatives ask about the prospects of marriage. Her mother’s support, albeit reluctant, is sufficient for her to ignore all other questions from family, friends and colleagues. Another divorced woman said the same thing – her mother stands by her life choices, and over time this support has also helped her deal with unsolicited sexual advances. Questions people ask or things people say don’t bother her anymore, because she has her mother’s support.
Others who spoke with me, were not so lucky; women in their early or mid-twenties, those who are lesbians or unmarried by choice, told of a much harder time due to parental pressure. They’re afraid of crushing their parents’ expectations, especially if they are the only child, or the only daughter in the family.
Only a handful of women in a country like Sri Lanka have the means and support to live a life they desire. Most women have the misfortune of being forced into marital life due to societal and parental pressure, and of course, economic pressures; the idea that only a man can provide economic stability. Sadly, these conservative views and attitudes lead to families growing apart, and I know of lesbian women who have completely cut ties with their families due to the trauma they have endured.
Reflecting on my own experiences, I realized that I was too bothered about the comments I got regarding marriage when I was younger, perhaps because I was also confused about whether to get married or not. All of my friends were either getting married or had someone, and even if they didn’t have anyone, they knew they wanted to get married. I am still single today, following a live-in relationship with my boyfriend, and comparing myself then and now, I find that I no longer get riled up when people ask me about marriage because I am much more certain and assured of my decision not get married. Most importantly of all, I have my family’s support. My mother is a very conservative woman of simple tastes, yet when she realized that I am happy with the life I am living, she and my sisters supported me unconditionally. So the comments and views of other people don’t bother me. Another significant change in my life is that I choose to now be surrounded by more like-minded people, who support my life choices without being judgmental.
My journey thus far has made me realize how important it is for a woman to have supportive, understanding family and friends, regardless of her life choices. Whether you are a lesbian, someone who doesn’t believe in marriage, someone who has commitment issues or a divorced woman, find these people in your life. They exist, especially if we’re open to sharing experiences and learning from each other. Be true to yourself, especially if you are someone who rejects the prescribed cultural notion of committing to a man. It will get better over time. Engage with your family, especially your parents, and help them understand your point of view. Be patient with them. And yourself. Don’t ever give in to the pressure.