By Dedunie De Silva

Having very recently – one month to the day in fact – gone through a very personal bereavement with the death of my father, I couldn’t help but reflect on the entire “grieving” process thus far, and at how we, as a species, having over 4 million years of evolution behind us, can STILL be both extremely well-equipped and yet direly ill-equipped at the same time, to deal with one of our most primal and most natural of all human emotions.

The PLAYERS –

– the grieving immediate family (P1), extended family (P2), friends and persons that nourish (P3) (collectively referred to as “The Protagonists”);

– persons that do not nourish (A1), the morbid sub-culture of corruption surrounding death (A2), voyeurs (A3) (collectively referred to as “The Antagonists”).

So when faced with any crisis, specially one involving your own kith and kin, there is no book or psychologist that could exactly pre-empt or prepare you for how you would react or behave in that moment; there is no right or wrong; there is no “expected” behaviour or action which makes you superior to, better than or righter than, another; in that moment, you deal with it and react to it, in what is uniquely “your own way”!

Death of one of your own, takes away the “my deepest sympathies on your loss” distance. Now, it is YOU that feels sorry for YOU and YOUR LOVED ONE – who you wish and earnestly know, deserved a better ending, considering he ticked all the required boxes – i.e. led an exemplary, upstanding, honest life, with integrity, courage and selfless love. What more surely does one need to do, to ask for a life that is not wrought with sickness and strife!?

But, as we know, going down that rabbit-hole never did anyone any good, nor helped anyone grapple with life’s injustices any better. The unthinkable and inevitable does occur – like it or not; ready or not!

Going back to our “Players” – so when that moment comes, P1s are the first line of defence; those who get front-row seats to the grand screening; no refunds; no cancellations; a straight-up full-frontal (quite literally and metaphorically). We are simultaneously, both alone and together in our grief; we are brutally confronted with the very painful and ugly truth of our transience, insignificance and fragility! All we have to cling on to, is the hope that he knew he was loved, we did the best we could and he is no longer in any pain!

The rest of the Protagonists, where the P1s are concerned, depend largely on the ‘luck-of-the-draw’. And boy were (ARE) we lucky in that department – our P2s and P3s were absolute doers; solid forces of strength; present; comforting; supportive; and most importantly, nourishing! From family that was ever present at all times, knowing and feeling, without having to say a word; from friends that know just what to do and when to do it, without needing instruction; from absolutely selfless, experienced and caring hospital staff, who are grossly under-paid and under-resourced, but who yet go way beyond their call of duty to serve.

The Antagonists on the other hand, are a breed and class of their own. The ones who need to be given a page out of the “Dealing with the Bereaved for Dummies!” guide!

The A1s have no clue or haven’t taken the time or effort to learn how to deal with a grieving person, and therefore, make it about THEMselves; THEIR feelings; THEIR self-righteous wrath; THEIR version of what is best for you and what ought to be done! Without realizing it (or intending it even possibly), they do far more harm than good, as they are people you thought you could rely and depend on, without needing any explanation. And when the realization dawns that you were wrong all along, after decades of “friendship”, it makes you question! It is an absolute and fundamental disappointment!

The A2s are usually the ‘underbelly’ of society; the ‘black-market’ scourges of death; those who do the jobs that no one will do, talk about or be associated with, and therefore, rightfully, feel entitled to milk it for all it’s worth, taking full advantage of the most vulnerable. This is your loved one after all – so what is a 500 here, a 1000 there, a bungling here, an abomination there. We just want to get the job done and fast, and they are right there to do it for us – at a “price”!

A3s are near-aligned with the A2s. The not-so-distant onlookers; the voyeurs; the soi disant dregs of polite society! How dare they get off on our grief!?

I wonder though – could we function as a society, without the dichotomy of these elements combined? Do we need the yin and the yang for life to have some meaning and explanation? And who are we to determine which is which and where WE fall on the spectrum?

The answer is quite clear – it just is; we just are; and with just one life to live!