Image Credit: The Hindu

By Sumaiya Shuaibdeen

“Ah prostitute, where are you headed today?”, those were my mom’s first few words almost every morning. When my parents found pictures of me on Instagram or when a neighbour disapproved of my dressing sense, I used to get beaten up or shouted at till I leave home for work. Quick background story: I’m originally from an extremely conservative Muslim family, where even showing my hair is forbidden and sitting next to a guy is frowned upon. To be different, I never had bad intentions, and I simply refused to do anything out of my will. I’ve always been connected to God, but I have my ways, and most importantly, I didn’t feel the need to maintain a religious image to impress my family and the society I grew up in. So, eventually, one thing led to another, and one day, I never went back home.

Now that I’m living on my own — happy and determined to follow the goals, no other thing makes me immensely grateful than knowing that I’m not stuck at my previous home during this time. The negativity and torture (all sexual, emotional, and physical) would have joined forces with the pandemic and sucked the life out of me. At the same time, I can’t imagine what life is like to other girls or boys, who are stuck in abusive households right now.

Generally, domestic violence is seen as abuse confined to intimate partners but it’s more than just that. As per The United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women and The Prevention of Domestic Violence Act №34 of 2005, it takes a number of forms, including physical, verbal, emotional, economic, religious, reproductive, and sexual abuse, which can vary from marital rape, choking, beating, female genital mutilation, and other acts that can be harmful to a person. Starting from the country that I come from, Sri Lanka, the domestic violence cases registered at the emergency unit of Colombo’s National Hospital has been on the rise since the island-wide curfew was imposed.  According to the Head Nurse, Pushpa De Soysa, that several of these victims are women, who are either manhandled or beaten up by their spouses. The cases around the globe have also spiked up; for instance, in Spain, Ana — who asked that her full name be withheld — lives with her partner, who has been regularly abusing herhttps://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/06/world/coronavirus-domestic-violence.html. He gives her zero privacy and on the days, she locks herself in the room, he kicks the door open until she opens it. It’s these horror stories around the world that have made me come out in the light and spread the message to others on how I did it.

Here are 6 thoughtfully drafted suggestions that I hope will help you battle domestic violence. Disclaimer: These are based on my experience and what worked for me so this may not be the approach to everyone. Having said that, knowledge is power therefore, it’s always good to feel liberated by it.

Minimize Communication With The Abuser

A majority of instances, abuse starts with interactions, so in the case of an argument, keep away from talking back. In the event when the abuser initiates arguments, victims tend to respond in a rational way by making their case and believing that the abuser is interested in what they have to say. On the flip side, the moment you explain yourself, abusers know that they have control over you. So, don’t engage but, maybe, respond in an unpredictable way, such as with humour or smile that wouldn’t reciprocate any violent behaviour from the other end.

In my case, my mom would wake me up from sleep in the middle of the night simply to argue with me. In the beginning, I was equally angry at her for not understanding the severity of her words, but eventually, I stopped responding, so she would scream at me for like 20–30 minutes and would go on to do the next thing on her daily to-do list. Then, there was my dad. He left us when we were young and came back only when he realized he’s got a grown-up daughter that he can control. (oh, patriarchy!). Whenever he picked up an argument, he wouldn’t let me go until I gave an answer. One day, he immediately wanted me to drop my dreams and marry a guy from the neighbourhood. When I refused, he slapped me and trampled me on the ground, while I hugged onto the documents of an important project at work. However, by the time he got into the habit of stopping by my door to say that he would happily kill me and go to jail if he didn’t have another child from another woman, I had become stronger. Even though I was crying a river inside, I didn’t utter a word and he left home for work.

Get Help From The Right People

These aren’t necessarily your friends or colleagues, but rather anyone, who can provide legal support. The first point of contact to rescue to almost anyone is the police, but due to the action of some, it’s hard to trust a common officer. I was once physically harassed by my father so that took me to the nearest police station, and what I experienced there wasn’t pretty. First things first, they weren’t willing to call him in for a general enquiry, it was either throwing him in jail or nothing. I needed justice, but punishing him directly didn’t seem right to me. Then, the police officer dropped the comment saying, ‘oh it’s just the father and daughter fight, right? NBD then.” Depending on the police for security didn’t give me confidence, so kept my options open.

I tried to stay away from my family by mediating through a lawyer, who sat us down with the intention of getting my mom to come into terms about me moving out. After an hour of listening to my mom explaining the difficulty she had gone through to bring me up, the ‘well-educated’ lawyer in the room changed sides. Yes, I know my mom sacrificed me a lot to give me an education and much more, but expecting me to give up my dream of modelling and pursuing a career in fashion, just so she could please the society wasn’t fair. What killed me the most that day is the lawyer ended the conversation, by saying, ‘If I did the same thing as you, my dad can kill me and it’s okay.”

After that day, I didn’t want to go anywhere for help. I had given up. My friends were helpless as they couldn’t defend me against an extremist family that would do anything to maintain an image. Those with the power were blinded by nonsensical norms and patriarchy.

A week later, I was taken to a psychiatrist expecting him to make me lose my memory, then he gave me this rescue sheet, which had the number of the lady, who helped me make the transition from a house of abuse to finding my home. There were two things about her that I immediately noticed and realized that she’s the one to help me out here. Number one, when I researched about her, the internet had a lot of good things to say about her and it wasn’t any fancy conference or charity element, but she seemed like someone, who had actually made a difference in someone’s life. Secondly, when I called her, she was already busy rescuing kids from a place and within five minutes, she had a plan ready for me. Whereas, with the lawyer and the other officers, the inquiry and procedures took longer than ever.

Journal A Bit Differently

Keeping a journal is a scientifically proven way to help manage stress, but I was too stressed to write my troubles away. Instead, I texted how I felt about the situation at home to my best friend, she wouldn’t comment until I finished pouring my hearts out. Even when she responded back, it was nothing to do with, “don’t worry” or other words that forced happiness. She went along with reality and told me to keep fighting, and I did. There were many ways that this type of journaling paid off. Firstly, it made me open up and this helped me ease the stress; most importantly, in the event, things get out of hand, I’ll know who to call for quick help without having to explain everything from the scratch.

Read Stories of Those Who’ve Made It Through

I’ve always found reading as a great escape and during those days, the motivational content on the internet kept me going. To be very honest, I started off with the feel-good Buzz feed quizzes and somehow ended up in the second page of this article on ‘honour killings’. The stories with a happy ending gave me the hope of a new beginning but, the sense of tragedy in some scared me to death. Then, I had two options — either to let it make me get depressed and kill myself or to learn the lesson from the miserable stories and to keep my mind on the happy ones. I opted the latter and started to see the good side of reading by diving my mind into books like ‘Desert Flower’, where the girl escapes the humiliating culture against girls and finds herself in a city that gets her towards success. This habit didn’t only let me see the good side of reading, but it also made me learn that our minds have the power to change our life. The moment I was positive and kept on looking for answers, I found it.

Escape When You Can And Don’t Think Twice About it

To make things worse at home, I fell in love; it’s ‘forbidden’ in my household, whereas marriage to a rich and religious guy would make you a holy figure in their eyes. It’s messed up, and it did get disastrous, especially when my mom found out the pictures of me and my boyfriend. I didn’t sleep that night and I just wanted to jump off the window in my room, but I left those thoughts where they were and went forward by taking the decision to run away from home. Yet, I procrastinated a bit, I wanted to see If I could give my mother another chance, but I was never that wrong. One night when I headed out on a date with my boyfriend, little did I know that my family (my mom, aunties, uncle, and the cousins…) were following me. They caught me at this mall and they went to the extent of dragging us to my BF’s place. Their deal was to get married immediately or to break up and, I wasn’t expecting all of that to happen in front of my BF’s parents. At that point, I knew I had it with my family, I got up, wiped off my tears, and told them to meet me at the nearest police station and rushed outside. Once I got into the tuk, I changed my mind, I didn’t want to go back home and didn’t want to ignore the gigantic red flags in this abusive relationship. There was a change of plans, and this is when the people, who I updated about everything about and trusted regarding legal matters got calls from me and life slowly got better.

Stay Away Even If It Takes Years Or A Lifetime

They were looking for me everywhere — my workplace, old friends’ places, etc. I had to file in for a constraining order, which meant permanent restriction of communication, it was hard to do, but there wasn’t a better option. We were both asked to come to the courts and when I was standing opposite them, I was questioning myself all over again, but the moment I thought about what they did to me, I stood firm on my decision. I still don’t let a day pass without remembering the way my mom fell down on her knees at the courts asking me not to go and saying she’d do anything to make me happy. All I could do then was to tell them that I’ll get in touch with her in few years after crossing off my goals. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane.

Right now, I’ve got enough space in my mind to plan big for my career and myself. I’m proud of myself and how strong I am. I’m thankful for everyone, who helped me get through this. I’m going to continue believing in myself and those who are going through the same. If you’re looking to get emotional support, feel free to reach out to Sri Lanka Sumithrayo. In terms of helping you to receive legal support, get in touch with Mannar Women’s Development Federation.

(Editors Note: This piece was first published by the author on Medium and has been reproduced with consent and no changes. For mor information on Domestic Violence in Sri Lanka please click here)