By Ashen Hirantha
“Owned by Him/Her” this is a common phrase that we get to see these days on many young people’s social media accounts. Every time I see this I wonder – since when is being in a relationship become something that would take away someone’s ownership of themselves. I believe this represents the reality of many relationships of youth in Sri Lanka today. There are enough and more examples and incidents where we can see that mostly one partner must live under certain rules which have been imposed by their “better half”, and sometimes the punishment for ignoring these rules can be physical. This piece will explore some of the reason for the increase in intimate partner violence among youth in Sri Lanka as per my observations.
Common Types of Violence
According to the World Health Organization “Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is one of the most common forms of violence against women and includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and controlling behaviours by an intimate partner”. There are many examples and incidents where we see these violent acts. Many relationships are based on creating a mental barrier around your partner, and it seems to be more around females.
One barrier is that if a girl is in a relationship she must not have any kind of conversations of contact with any other boys. IPV arises at the point when her partner gets suspicious about her behaviour based on misconceptions. Usually this violence starts when the boy checks the girl’s phone just to see if she is abiding by his rules. Even though this is not physical it can affect a girl’s mental wellbeing immensely. Every day she struggles to balance her freewill and restrictions placed on her in her relationship, and this can lead to depression etc. if this emotional abuse continues. At the other end of the spectrum, this violence can take a physical form where the boy will go on to punish the girl by slapping and hitting her, sometimes even in public.
Another form of emotional violence that we can see among youth in Sri Lanka is when one must obtain permission from their partner to go out or to do certain things, once again insinuating ownership by one over the other. When it comes to sexual violence we often see how boys are looking to take advantage of girl’s body without her consent, often seen in relationships where the girl is much younger than the boy, with a difference in maturity levels.
Lead by Jealousy Instead of Love?
As per the research done on IPV, it has now developed into a a world health issue in terms of its magnitude and increase. Hence it is important to examine the root causes to understand why anyone would try to hurt his or her partner when they appear to also be focused on showing the world that they are a “match made in heaven” .One reason is that even though they pretend to show trust on the surface, there is fear and jealousy running below which makes them believe that they will lose their partner unless they restrict their freedom and disturb their privacy. Another cause for the violence is the lack of knowledge about what love is and should entail. It is not something that should place us in an emotional jail and take away our freedom, but it is about how two people come together on mutual understanding and help each other while taking care of themselves.
Today unfortunately this is not the case and many of relationships are haunted by jealousy and unhappiness. People feel that a relationship is an extra weight that they have to bear on their shoulders, where it should have been something that would have reciprocal understanding and help them to get through tough times while also enjoying the good times. A lack of true understanding regarding society, love, sex, and relationships is another reason for the violence. We see that youth behave blindly when in a relationship as they lack the maturity to understand the more complex aspects of relationships. They tend to focus on the physical desires and forget about the emotional bond mainly because they are unaware of how to cope with it. Violence comes with the over-attachment created over the physical pleasures and desire with an inability to separate the two. Taking just one minute and sending a late reply for to text message has now become enough to build up various misconceptions which would eventually damage the trust between partners. This also has a chain reaction where more disputes would be created simply because they do not know about patience and its role in a relationship.
Another example of violence and abuse in relationships is when one threatens their partner using various intimate videos and photographs that have been taken or shared during the relationship. These materials often can significantly impact the victim if shared publicly and result in the victim agreeing to the demands of their partner. We often hear about such cases through media where youth even commit suicide due of the fact that their partner has released sensitive videos of them to the social media which has severely damaged their reputation and privacy.
WHO suggests that there are individual factors that would cause IPV including a low level of education; witnessing or experiencing violence as a child, harmful use of alcohol and drugs; sexual abuse during childhood; acceptance of violence; and exposure to other forms of abuse.
What are the Solutions that Help to Resolve Intimate Partner Violence?
When looking at the root cause of IPV it can be identified that the mentality of the partners plays a large role in creating violent behaviour. Therefore, focus needs to be given to improving the mental health of Sri Lankan youth as a long term objective to solve this issue. This can be done at by teaching them the value of respect for another human being.
It is also important to educate youth about as aspects of love, sex, and relationships without banning these topics from discussion. The media also plays a vital role as the medium through which information about IPV and how to combat it can she shared. Many Sri Lankan’s are unaware that this is a common issue that can be stopped and instead they continue to ensure and suffer the violence in silence. This can lead into prolonged stress and other serious mental disorders. Focus also needs to be given to working with men and boys about gender equality and how to develop non-violent relationships.
(The writer is currently reading for his undergraduate degree at the University of Colombo. This piece was written exclusively for bakamoono.lk)