By Rashika Fazali

Image Credit: Oprah Magazine 

Let’s admit it: we all love SEX, right? Whether you are single, married, in an open relationship, divorced, straight, gay, lesbian, queer, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, or whatever you are, believe in, or identify with, we all love sex! But we are ashamed to talk about it. It’s almost like it’s okay to do the act (that too in secrecy because God forbid when people find out what you’re up to), but never to converse.

What happens when kids ask you how babies are made? Do you just outright lie because it’s inappropriate for children to know this? Does that mean that you make up a ridiculous story about how a stork delivers babies? Or do you shy away, act embarrassed and scold your inquisitive child for asking such an innocent question? But you had sex, didn’t you, to have this child? So, please help me, I’m confused with this shame that we associate with sex.

Reproduction vs Pleasure

Human pleasure is simple. We all have or know something that gives us satisfaction or a feeling of enjoyment that may come in the form of food, books, movies, gadgets, experiences, social media likes, friends, etc. Sex is not so different. While sex was initially about reproduction, today sex is viewed more as a pleasurable act amongst educated individuals and cities than an act done for the sake of coproducing. But we came to this realization not too long ago.

Many moons ago as stated in Jack Holland’s book titled ‘A Brief History of Misogyny’ (page 70), it was determined by what was mentioned in religious books as a sin and something we should not engage in pleasurably. Today, we interpret it differently. We believe that as long as we don’t harm anyone, have consensual sex and with one partner, we can enjoy the act of sex. But while sex was dictated by religion through the emphasis on reproduction, it was also seen as a way to bridge families and forge kingdoms. People didn’t marry for love for the longest time. They married solely for the purpose of reproduction. An heir for the kingdom, someone to take the name forward.

We speak of evolution so much without realizing that everything in and around us changes with time.  We are not the same people we were 10 years ago. Our gadgets, experiences, and even a sense of understanding is vastly different from the previous decade, so why then cannot sexual experience change with time? The problem is with society’s association of sex with shame and humiliation. When a society comes to learn of pregnancy, they are overjoyed, but talking of the coproducing act is frowned upon. They know the whole picture, but they don’t see why they should openly talk about it. Instead, we talk about sex in hush tones, learning as we go or through others’ experiences, knowing that in Asian countries sex talk is taboo and has a negative connotation attached to it. How do we learn about sex if we don’t talk about it?

Sex education around the world

In countries like the Netherlands, an open-minded attitude towards teaching sex education has seen a decrease in teenage pregnancies – the lowest in the European Union. The Dutch believe in teaching about sexuality and feelings to children at a young age which has shown remarkable results; they have sex much later in life in comparison to other teens in European countries, and one study revealed that 7 out of 10 Dutch teenagers used condoms for their first sexual encounter. In Sri Lanka, the Family Planning Association Sri Lanka (FPA) has outlined 3 areas that are set to have a positive outcome through the education of sexual gender-based violence in Sri Lanka such as a reduction in teenage pregnancies, elimination of early or child marriages, amending and strengthening laws around reproductive rights, intimate partner violence, violence against women, bullying and sexual harassment. Other countries such as New Zealand have been teaching sex education for over 20 years. Just last year in September, the Education Ministry made revisions to the curriculum updating and incorporating gender inclusivity, sexuality guidance, consent, and even pornography.

However, not everyone is open about sex education. Even in countries like the UK and the US, sex education is taught in a few counties and states. Some parents believe that the subject of sex education can only lead to child corruption and the shedding of an innocent childhood. In Sri Lanka, parents are more supportive of sex education than the clergy. Last year, a grade 7 government-approved textbook titled ‘Hathe Ape Potha’ that covered sex education along with sexual health came under fire. Some monks deemed the book inappropriate and vulgar. What was so vulgar about it? According to a website, information about masturbation was considered too much to handle, and this allowed children to think that the act of pleasuring oneself is normal. In other words, let it be the world’s most guarded secret, we don’t have to teach our children that.

Why children should learn about sex education

While some fight against the teaching of sex education, many people believe that it is beneficial to children in the long run. As an exercise, think of your teenage years; how did you learn about sex? Was it taught at school or did your parents have that “chat” with you? Most people will say that they learned about sex through their peers, and of course, through self-learning which has unfortunately resulted in abortions for some people. It’s also called learning the hard way. Don’t you think that life would be different today if you were taught about sexual health and reproduction as an educational thing so that you’ll be more prepared to deal with the intimacies of life? This is what made UNESCO come up with a comprehensive sexuality education guide so that children around the world learn about safe sex, sexual relationships, health and reproduction, and the physical, emotional, cognitive, and social facets of sexuality. The point is for children to be equipped with the right information so that they can make informed decisions about their life. Evidence shows that teaching sex education to children can delay sexual intercourse, reduce the number of sexual partners and increase the use of contraception.

Getting over sexual shame and nudity

To enable sex education in our schools, we must first get over our shame of talking about sex. We need to start having open conversations about body positivity with our children. These conversations will help remove the stigma of sex talk and help children understand sexual intercourse, reproduction, and heath in an educated, dignified way.

A lifetime ago, nudity was a mark of innocence, purity, virility, and power. Somewhere along the line, we started viewing our naked bodies with disgust, shame, and embarrassment. A survey consisting of 2000 British men and women revealed that 75% of women disliked their bodies, 66% were ashamed of their nakedness, 60% wouldn’t even look at a mirror while undressing and 27% prefer to have sex with the lights off due to a lack of confidence. A BBC study done in 2009 showed the various emotions people felt when asked to remove their clothing. One said she felt exposed while some men were anxious about sexual excitement. This study, later on, told their participants to paint each body part in a color that resembles how uncomfortable they felt touching a certain part of the body. At first, they were ashamed, but as they got more comfortable with their naked bodies, they understood that nudity shame was learned, and not something we were born with. It doesn’t help that nudity is often associated with sexual feelings, so we have learned by ourselves that nudity or being comfortable with our nakedness is dangerous. And how do we show this? Through the emotion of shame. It is what we feel when we think we have violated social norms or are unable to conform to them. One study showed that people who feel shameful a lot have low self-esteem and are at risk of developing a psychological problem. Another study showed that adolescents are more prone to feelings of shame. It gradually decreases until the age of 50 and then increases again from thereon.

But this nudity shame doesn’t make sense. It’s our bodies that we are talking about, the most natural form of our body. How is it that we take pleasure in it, but we are also repulsed by it? Teaching children to become body positive may help them as adults to remove this bubble of sexual shame.

In a funny way, nudity is not a new thing for Sri Lanka. History books and art has shown us plenty of images of topless Sri Lankan women. Sigiriya is famous for this artwork. Yet, we shun our history and today are sexually repressed and avoid sex talk at all costs. We forget that our repression is costing lives and livelihoods. A study undertaken by UNFPA revealed that 90% of women have endured sexual harassment in public transportation. It has happened to me too, and you as well. We should also not forget that boys too are sexually harassed in our country mostly by other men. Someone I know recounted a horrifying story of how he as a young boy of 12 years was sexually taken advantage of by a swimming coach at a class. He recalled how the perpetrator touched him inappropriately mostly in the disguise of helping him to swim, and later on became bold enough to take him to the pool house and perform sexual acts on him. This preying behavior stems from our silence and refusal to have healthy conversations about sex, respect, and consent. We can blame parents, teachers, and even governments, but it is ultimately the education system that is at fault. If we are not taught, how do we learn the good from the bad?

Learn from the numbers

Here’s how we can learn from what has happened to thousands of people in our country and rectify this ignorance that we proudly showcase; We openly talk, we find the root cause of this persistent problem, and find solutions that actually work. In order to understand why sexual harassment happens, we have to understand the perpetrator’s behavior and mentality. An article in The New York Times explained that those perpetrators who didn’t feel remorse often blamed the victim for the rape with one stating, “I felt I was repaying her for sexually arousing me.” What makes them think that way? Maybe they were sexually abused at home or were never taught about sexual conduct, respect, and consent. This takes us to another point; parents are at fault for their behavior or they too ignored having these vital conversations. But why would parents behave that way and not teach their children? It is possible that the school or their parents never taught them about sex education. And so, this cycle continues. But ultimately, it comes down to education. Parents cannot teach children things that they never learned either.

I sincerely hope that we make strides by opening up these taboo conversations which are so important to our well-being. Having such conversations and an open education system that arms a child with knowledge can reflect greatly in their future in becoming good humans and citizens of the country. If sex is the most common way for child reproduction and in almost all creatures of the animal kingdom, what in the name of God is so taboo about it?