Image Credit: Nathalie Lees for TIME

By Rashika Fazali

It took me three days to understand that being a mother wasn’t easy. No matter what kind of mother you plan on being or how you’ve decided to raise your child, you will find that it’s far more challenging than anything you’ve gone through— including childbirth.

I remember being so tired and almost ready to pass out after the many hours of labor, yet the thought of seeing my baby for the first time gave me all the energy I needed. And when I saw him, I cried. I was so happy and overwhelmed by the experience, and seeing that tiny baby with tiny hands and feet just listening to me was everything I could ask for at that moment.

The Joy of a New Baby

Giving birth is quite an experience. The process is painful, but the outcome is rewarding and beautiful. For the next one day, you’ll be over the moon. I was exhausted with just 2 hours of sleep, but I wanted to stay up and watch my baby. Who doesn’t love babies? I had so many emotions that day. I was ecstatic. Just excited for this new journey. But I was also so emotional. I cried many times that day – in happiness and relief. This was our rainbow, baby, and the pain, along with the overwhelming happiness, was a lot to take in.

…And the not so Joyous

The first 3 days were the hardest. As a new mother, there was so much I didn’t know (and quite understandably), and adjusting to a baby who was wholly dependent on you, learning all his cues and what to do in those moments took some time and patience. I remember feeling so down, pondering if I am cut out for motherhood. But you persevere because you haven’t come this far to give up just because things got a little murky. It got a little better from day 4 onwards, but the emotions were intense though.

For the next 2 weeks, I had moments of excitement and immense gratitude, which brought in more waterworks. I also had other scary thoughts like what if I lost my husband now to some accident, what if I lost my baby after everything, or what if something happened to me and he had no mother. It’s silly, and I can easily attribute those feelings to fluctuating hormones, but one can’t deny that those feelings aren’t real – hormones or not. This new experience brought in a range of emotions. I found out that these feelings are a part of ‘baby blues,’ which mothers feel after the first 2 weeks of giving birth. It’s considered normal, but do we understand that it’s normal? Do we talk about a mother’s feelings, whether normal, baby blues, or depression? Do fathers and others understand that mothers go through an upheaval of emotions and physical changes, and what’s expected of them is their unwavering understanding and support?

I’m just one of the thousands of mothers feeling a whole lot of emotions. Blessie Keegel, a mother of one, said, “I experienced so much overwhelming emotion – fear, anxiety, stress and definitely dealt with a fair amount of PPD (postpartum depression) for over a year.”

A mother with a 3-month baby, Gowri De Silva, revealed that since she was living in Australia and away from her family, she didn’t have a support system, which was hard for her. “The first month was a blur. I mean, I couldn’t rest or sleep when the baby was asleep. These contributed to me feeling down, and I found myself crying in the bathroom many times. Also, without having a proper routine, I felt like I was just all over the place, and I have not been productive. I badly wanted to get just one night or a day to myself. I still feel the same, though. I definitely feel bad for wanting some time away from the baby,” said Gowri. There is a conflict between how you are supposed to feel vs. how you are feeling. We don’t talk about these negative feelings because society cannot fathom that a mother could feel any differently.

The Truth, Nothing but the Truth

Any experience that changes your life is traumatic, and giving birth and now having a dependent baby or children certainly qualifies as traumatic. Your life isn’t yours anymore. And as this realization sinks in, there will be moments of panic where you’ll ask yourself if you are mentally and physically prepared to bring up a child and if you’ll do the right thing as a mother, other moments of frustration where you’ll find that you cannot cope up, that your baby may hate you (you falsely deduce this because of the endless crying) and if you were somehow crazy to have a baby, and then other moments of sadness where you’ll grieve for your old life, your body, your personal space, your routine and the carefree life you’ve lived. Gowri admitted that she was upset and worried about getting back to her old body, “I am always in track pants and jumpers to hide everything. I spoke to so many of my friends with kids, and they all say the same. Everyone has gone through the same.” This may seem like a selfish thought to have to someone else, especially when your priority now is the baby. But it’s not selfish. We dislike change because change is not easy, and it signifies a loss or an alteration of something we liked or enjoyed. I have stretch marks now. Every time I look at my body, I feel ugly. I would constantly ask my husband if he was repulsed by it, but he would always tell me that I am beautiful with or without stretch marks and remind me that my body went through this huge change to bring out a beautiful baby.

With all these changes, you’ll find that babies are a lot of work and you’ll be exhausted – all the time. This tiredness made me doubt myself so much. Waking up often in the middle of the night and still having to feed a baby or change his nappy can take a toll on you. You can only sleep when he’s asleep and guaranteed it’s not going to be a night of good sleep, leaving you even more exhausted. I had few moments of depression where I would cry myself to sleep. The crying and the exhaustion can really get to you and question your role as a mother. In a few instances (and I’m ashamed to admit it), I let him cry, thinking he’ll soothe himself because he wasn’t reacting no matter what I did. Understanding my frustration, my husband would then take over and look after the baby until I bounced back, and I was grateful for that. Having a support system is vital to a mother. It helps her have some time off to calm down her nerves and fears and try again. Blessie also dealt with her negative feelings with the help of her support system, adding, “I thankfully had a group of close friends who were pregnant at the same time, and we walked through every bit of it together. This community of women has certainly made this journey easier. I also made it a point to connect with my sister, who’s been through it and is also a psychologist. She helped and continued to help me immensely.” This can only happen when you, as a mother, realize your state and ask for help. There is no shame in asking for help. I’m grateful to my family for their understanding. But not everyone is lucky enough to have this.

Happy Mother, Happy Child

We live in a world where we care for a pregnant woman, giving her everything she wants, but as and when the baby is born, the mother becomes an afterthought. But haven’t we heard of the phrase, ‘happy mother, happy child? We don’t naturally ask a mother how she is doing or feeling. We also assume that mothers only have pleasant feelings while caring for a baby because anything less than that is unacceptable and unnatural for a woman. Must we remind everyone that mothers are humans that have a range of emotions, including feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, and even depression? The belief that babies are a great source of joy and happiness doesn’t allow mothers to be depressed or feel negative emotions.

Renown author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie in her book, ‘We Should All Be Feminists’, writes that an acquaintance once commented (on an article she had written) that anger is not a good look on a woman. “If you are a woman, you are not supposed to express anger because it is threatening,” stated Adichie referring to how the female gender has been stereotyped, including which gender is allowed to express which emotion. It’s absurd, but gender differences in our world are rooted more deeply than just biological. We want to label everything around us, and hence we associate certain traits to one gender over the other, which is a power move.

Stereotypes are also assigned for a majority to feel good about themselves. Women are depicted as relationship-oriented species caring, loving, attentive, and the main person responsible for bringing up the child. She is a stay-at-home mother who cannot feel anything other than happiness and whose only aspiration should be to bring up her children. We understand the importance of a mother’s positive feelings on a baby’s wellbeing and development emphasized through the many studies on the impact of a mother’s negative emotions. Still, it is hard always to be happy, not to be frustrated, and at times to feel like the world is not falling apart.

Suppressing emotions is unhealthy and can cause severe stress. It can also increase aggression and lead to relieving that emotion through untoward behavior like yelling or even by inflicting harm on another. Social norms that do not allow people to feel sad and this notion of how others expect us to feel end up making those same people more miserable, reducing their life satisfaction and increasing negative emotions. And yet, don’t you find it weird that we teach women to show emotion and men to not open up according to stereotypes?

One study found out that mothers are more open to expressing doubt, fear, or worry when it comes to their child’s upbringing but are reluctant to express their feelings about their changed bodies and their physical and emotional well-being. Lack of information on these areas and social stigma are often the reasons for these issues. If there is no information on dealing with these feelings, we may assume that it’s not important and irrelevant. But once again, what about, ‘happy mother equals happy child’? Babies cannot look after themselves. Their caregivers do. Shouldn’t we then focus on a mother’s well-being, which will help the child’s development sequentially?

According to WHO, around 13% of women who have just given birth experience depression. In developing countries that number goes up to 20%. This leaves mothers unable to function properly and thereby impacting the child’s growth negatively. Adding to that, the Covid-19 pandemic has also further dampened a mother’s mental wellbeing. One study reported an increase in maternal depression and anxiety during this Covid-19 pandemic.

So, here’s what we can do. We can open this discussion and talk more about postpartum depression and the importance of normalizing a mother’s feelings. We can also learn to talk about the realities of motherhood, that it is not easy and that we, like any other human, do feel sad and have moments of uncertainty, frustration, and anger – not towards the baby, but in this new territory of looking after a baby that communicates everything through crying and our feelings of inadequacy. We also need to acknowledge that sometimes mothers cannot express themselves, but instead, they just want to cry. In moments like that, be there for them. Talk to them. Assure them.

I remember reading these words stated by a mother living in Texas, “At about day 10 — after your mom has left and the food deliveries have stopped, and your husband is back at work — you will crash.  You will look at this tiny screaming dictator whom you must keep alive at the cost of showers and sleep and adult contact and more than two hours of sleep at a time, and you will think, ‘I can’t. And I don’t want to. This is terrible. I have to get away.’ Everyone has these thoughts. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother or a terrible person or that you don’t love your baby. It means you are human, and you are going through an overwhelming transition. What you have to do is ask for help and then accept it … Give yourself a break. Don’t try to be (or look) perfect. Do what is right for you.”