By Niro Perera 

Today we continue the moving story of what life is like for Colombite* women, who represent the “privileged” 3%. She is the educated Sri Lankan with “options”.

The story of the Colombite woman is complex.

Certainly, as the title of the article says — paradoxical. Taking into account the historic and ingrained cultural attitudes surrounding “accepted” behaviors, the effects of sexism are clear. Call it the “act like a lady, earn like a man” option. Let’s break this concept down through her eyes. Within the tone of the next several paragraphs, you may read a tone of sarcasm, one suggestive of an “annoying nosy aunt voice.” This is intentional and meant to portray authenticity in the lives of Colombite women.

A girl is expected to perform in school with aspirations of higher education, but not too educated that she thinks she is above any man she marries. Of course, if she is more educated than her mate — how on earth will she submit to him? She is expected to find something to study in the country, but the boys are sent away — allowing many more acceptable options in pursuit of a higher education.

The UK is typically the preferred option, but the US or Australia are also highly regarded. His less than equal counterpart is expected to find something more ladylike to educate herself in, like Business Administration or Law. She is expected to study right here in Lanka under the nose of her 56 cousins and the watchful eye of her neighborhood patrol. She’s only a girl after all, and too much independence is completely unnecessary (and definitely not encouraged). Certain career choices are considered too manly.

Becoming a pilot is not the best career for a girl.

It would require too much time away. Anything that might keep her out after 8pm makes her character questionable. In Sri Lankan culture, we have a saying that goes, “He’s a boy — he can get away with it, but you’re a girl — your character cannot be questioned.” In   native Sinhalese, the menace — and the intention — in that quote is very clear. She is expected to choose something in accounting where she makes good money but has time for her family. This type of choice is more acceptable.

The rare few that “rage against the machine” and break through their cultural bonds are the ones that are blessed with open minded parents. She has parents that believe she can brave a foreign nation and make it with her dignity intact, while managing her independence without shaming herself or her extended family.

Now, the crucial element of understanding Sri Lankan culture is to understand that when we say family — we mean extended family (which would normally consist of a few dozen blood relatives and their cat). Our extended families are what we would call “a blessing in the guise of a curse.” It’s like this: when in trouble, you have 56 lifeboats to save you, and once you have been rescued —you wish to have drowned. The “we told you so” song is often sung in unison — much to the survivor’s dismay.

No respect for personal space, only because we care.

Sarcasm aside, it is very clear that these issues reflected in our cultural norms and expectations of women and young girls transcends the poverty line and gender politics. We are a close knit culture that has no respect for women’s personal space, opinions, or boundaries. But it is only because we care. Ironic as it may sound, caring too much has led to the involvement of many opinions in the upbringing of one’s female offspring. Often, much to the horror of the female offspring. These opinions hold us back and at the same time shelter and protect us.

Our paradoxical society is complex.

But this cultural inter-connection has led to what we call “hush” culture. It is a culture where we ignore and overlook all forms of injustice and horrors committed against women. Offenses such as physical or sexual abuse are considered impolite conversation. Small communities where everyone is a friend and everyone is family cannot and will not tolerate scandal. It may be shocking to imagine that these atrocities occur in an honor-based society, but it is the current reality.

Could there be change in the future?

What will it take for justice to occur? Shifts in cultural attitudes and behavioral norms take time and an enormous amount of effort. Alana Athletica was founded based on core values of empowering women. Telling their personal stories and increasing awareness of the injustices, abuse, and complex lives of Sri Lankan women will continue to be a priority for us. The voices must be heard for positive change to occur.

But to move forward, it is necessary to further explore the history of family and community dynamics. A Sinhalese proverb reads — “spitting whilst looking up” —meaning to expose such incidents is to bring shame on one’s self and one’s family. In such a close-knit family-based culture, this makes absolute sense. Scandal is discouraged, and silence and tolerance are encouraged and even embraced. Offenders walk away with the silence of the victims — bought by the society that empowers them. The “hush” is maintained, and the offenders keep offending. Domestic abuse is an issue that transcends a woman’s level of education. Next, we will discuss the story of Dilani*.

Dilani, 34, is a medical professional educated in India at one of its most prestigious universities. Once she returned to the country, her parents gave into pressure from the rest of the family who were “concerned” for the future of an overly independent young woman. She was introduced to a well-off son of an aunt’s family friend.

He was deemed perfect. The perfect match for her family.

He was well groomed and seemed to be the epitome of a gentleman. The courtship lasted over a year while preparations for the big day were on the way. Dilani, too, came to believe that he was “Mr. Right.” But the nightmare began a few months after the nuptials… In the beginning, she was verbally abused for being out on night shifts at the hospital. After the verbal abuse intensified, the physical assaults started. Dilani was shocked the first time it happened. Her in-laws called her “an insubordinate wife.”

His outbursts became more frequent— and without remorse. Her behavior was seen as unbecoming of a good wife. She was told that she may carry on a private practice but was banned from working at a hospital. She was blamed for the abuse by her immediate and her extended family. Her workaholic life style had ‘driven’ her husband into the arms of another.

His unfaithfulness was her fault.

It ended in a messy divorce with Dilani being blamed for all of it. She was labeled a woman who couldn’t keep her man happy. She was judged as a failure as a woman in her society. Her offense — being a woman who had more to contribute to society than her domestic skills. Four years of her young vibrant had been life lost forever.

Marked by her culture with the taboo of being a divorcée, she was expected to conform to the needs of a man. When she refused, she was branded and discarded. It’s a sad reality that unfolds all around in respectable Colombite society.

As unfathomable as it sounds, this is only the tip of the iceberg.

It is a culture that shelters and protects its females, but at the same time subjects them to a form of gender politics that an outsider would struggle to grasp. It is a culture where a woman is sexually assaulted every 4 hours, and one in 3 women have been physically or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. One must take a step back and reflect. We have to determine how we as a society have gotten it wrong, and what comes next…

 

 

 

 

(This piece was first published on the Alana Athletica Blog. The author is a journalist and story teller with over 13 years of experince as a radio personality)