By Rashika Fazali

Oh god. That question again. It is the second most-asked question in a person’s life behind, “When are you getting married?”.

Recently, a politician ridiculed another politician for not having children. Somehow, having children meant that one is accomplished in life, and unknowingly a man and woman’s bedroom affairs and decisions pertaining to it became a political debate. In the name of politics or not, it’s unethical and crass to question such things.

First, let’s get some things straight. Every woman and man have the right to have or not have children. There are millions of women who believe in having children and continue to have them, and then there are those who believe in voluntary childlessness. But in between you have the parents who have tried, endured miscarriages and delivered healthy babies maybe months or years later, and others who have prayed for kids and done everything they possibly could and yet are unable to have children due to fertility issues. Don’t people understand that this is such a sensitive topic, and it’s not up for debate?

Of course, for most people, having children after marriage is the next most obvious step. For others, it’s the last thing on their mind. But why are Sri Lankans so interested in knowing when you will have kids? Because brace yourself, most Sri Lankans are nosy. They don’t want to mind their business because minding their business means not knowing if the other person is accomplished and happy, and accomplishment and happiness to a certain extent comes from having children, APPARENTLY.

Our collectivist identity

In a blog titled, ‘Rude Things Sri Lankans Say’, the writer states that individuals ask these questions on the belief that “the Sri Lankan identity is more social than individual”. A study done on Sri Lankan self-image and identity in 2011 revealed that 49% of Sri Lankan Sinhalese identified with psychological attributes i.e., happy, intelligent, open-minded, etc. while 43% identified with social attributes such as social roles and status. Majority of social attributes in the Sri Lankan Sinhalese group stems from the membership of family i.e., identifying as a father, mother, daughter or son. In the Sri Lankan Tamil group, 55% of them identified with social attributes with the most common one being associating oneself by occupation i.e., teacher, bank officer, etc. This shows that Sri Lankans are likely to identify with social than physical or psychological attributes. In support of this, Hofstede’s cultural dimensions studies revealed that Sri Lanka is a collectivist country. We tend to refer to our self-image as ‘we’ than ‘I’. So, one’s decisions are a reflection of collective values affecting communities. In other words, collectivist societies focus on the greater good, sacrificing one’s happiness for others. We see this in our country; children  forced to follow a major dictated by parents, and also in marriages where parents marry off their children forcibly for the “greater good”. We don’t see this happening only in Sri Lanka, but it’s widespread in Asian countries as well. I’m not saying that having a collectivist society is a bad thing, but in certain aspects of our life like marriage and children, people should just mind their business.

Having children is a personal choice

In truth, having children is a personal choice. Not a lifestyle choice. Not the same as adopting a pet. It’s larger than life and scarier. I love children, so my hope is to have a little family of my own one day. Except, I’ve been married for almost four years and in Sri Lankan standards if you don’t have a child within the first 2 years of marriage, there is something wrong with you. The concept of marriage and having a child in Sri Lanka is always about duty and obligation. It has never been about enjoying and experiencing life, learning more about your spouse or understanding the huge responsibility of bringing a child into this world i.e., if you want to have children.

When people ask me when I would have a child, I would shrug and say, “when the time is right”. But in truth, I had logical reasons to why I was not having them yet. I am part of that generation that believes in not having children for sake for having children. Before anyone decides to have a child, there are few things one must ask oneself:

1. Are you willing to sacrifice your time and energy? Having a child is no joke. You will most probably have no time for yourself because you will be caring for a baby that will need you every single second. Of course, it’ll get better as they grow, but a mother and father’s duty never stop.
2. Are you willing to be more selfless? This means you’ll be waking up at all times, sleeping in will be a luxury you used to have all the time and most importantly you’ll be helping your babies grow into beautiful, empathetic children and adults. Your “me-time” will reduce drastically and it’ll be much harder to do other things you love.
3. Are you financially stable? Having children is not about how much you love and want them. It’s not just about the care you can or will give. It’s also about having the money to care for them. Children are costly. One day, you’ll put them into school, many years later, it’ll be university. Are you equipped financially to handle this?
4. Are you mentally prepared for parenthood? I wish there was emphasis given to mental health because this is the most important thing to consider before you have a child. Couples who fight constantly have this notion that children will solve their problems which is highly unlikely. What happens if you have a mental illness? If you are unable to look after yourself, you must understand that you’ll be unable to look after your child. We have to first be in a good headspace to have children.
5. Who will look after your child when you do go back to work? Some women and men give up their careers to look after their children, but there are others who continue to work. Who is going to be that crucial person who will look after your child when you’re not around?

If your answers are “yes” and you do know who will look after your child, you’re ready for parenthood. But if the answers are “no”, that’s completely fine! Maybe you’re not ready at the moment or it’s just not for you.

Voluntary childlessness

It often comes as a shock when some couples state that they don’t want to have children. The Sri Lankan culture often looks at it as a selfish act. According to research done in 2008, childbirth determines the success of a marriage. Therefore, no children mean an unhappy marriage. This is untrue on many levels. Voluntary childlessness is an active choice taken by a couple to intentionally not have children. A critical evaluation of existing literature found that there were many factors that contributed directly or indirectly towards voluntary childlessness such as being less religious, tertiary education, commitment to one’s career, occupational status, having conventional views regarding partnerships and parenting and less traditional views in gender roles which all led to valuing a better quality of life. Some of the reason’s women used to rationalise voluntary childlessness were parental responsibility, monetary reasons, having no interest in children or maternal instinct, freedom from childcare responsibility, population growth, more time for self-fulfilment, career growth and marital relationships.

But what about those who chose to give their life to God and decide to remain celibate and free themselves from the obligation of having children? Why are monks and nuns not scrutinised for not having children, but is a practice that is accepted, allowed and perceived as a religious obligation? But for a normal couple, this marks as a violation of marriage and life in general. While the former is seen as freeing oneself from obligations to elevate oneself to a higher position, to dedicate more time to God and impact the world more positively, the later is seen as selfishness.

In many ways, individualism thinking, and freedom are two of the main reasons why many women chose to be childless. In our society, it’s absolutely wrong for women to think that way. As mentioned previously, we are a collectivist society after all. Add to that, women who choose voluntary childlessness are perceived as materialistic, undesirable, selfish, less nurturing and less mature. What’s worse is that women are more scrutinised than men when it comes to voluntary childlessness.

Sri Lankan myths on conceiving

In Sri Lanka, people also believe that if a woman conceives late, it is due to the wrongdoings she committed in her previous life. Firstly, humans have many biases, and according to one – just-world hypothesis – we believe that we get what we deserve. We also believe in a universal saying: ‘good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people’ which is once again untrue. As humans, we have an autonomous tendency to blame someone for a person’s actions. No one wants to identify themselves as a victim of some misfortune or crime. But bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people too.

Secondly, note the use of the word ‘woman’. It’s almost like society believes that bearing a child is entirely dependent on a woman’s fertility. Doesn’t a man biologically contribute to a pregnancy? So why is infertility then regarded as only a woman’s problem? Globally, around 30 million men are infertile (Latin America and Asia not included). This number could be much higher as male infertility is not largely reported in patriarchal countries. At the same time, society also views children as a testimony of a man’s masculine identity and greatness. So, in patriarchal societies, male infertility is shunned or overlooked, and the brunt of problem is blamed on female infertility instead.

Coming back, the subject of children is a sensitive topic. Some want them, some prefer to be childless and others struggle to conceive. Imagine the heartache of millions of women who have miscarried, who are undergoing and have undergone fertility treatments and those who have tried for years to conceive but with no luck. It’s hard going through that experience, but it’s easy for others to say hurtful things to women and couples wanting children. Why? Because it’s happening to someone else.

Walk in someone else’s shoes, and hopefully you’ll see life in their perspective.

(Editors Note: This article was written exclusively for bakamoono.lk and at the time of publication had not appeared in this form in any other publication)