By Nathasha Edirisooriya

Sri Lanka is one of the countries that has a rich heritage with a millennia old written history. While we proudly show off sigiri bithu sithuwam that were created centuries ago featuring uncensored breasts; we burden ourselves with the Victorian values we adapted from our colonial masters. No matter the way these ideologies and norms originated, now we have integrated them in to our culture and carry them forward as our very own, even if they end up restricting us, and making our lives miserable.

I have often seen women writing long articles on facebook groups’ about how they found their freedom after the marriage. As romantic as it sounds this statement begs the question why an adult woman who was old enough to get married did not get to experience freedom on her own.

Due to the deep rooted cultural and societal norms, Sri Lanka is a country which treats their girl children and boy children in different ways from the time of birth. This patriarchal upbringing and mindset has created an unsafe society fueled by male entitlement. It is a society that compels parents to safeguard their girl children. Even though in reality as quoted by Child Protection Force – over 90% of reason sexual abuse cases involve boys, and boys should be nurtured and protected  as much as girls. Our society fails to recognise that boys can be targets of predators too.  So it is our girl children who receive suffocating supervision from parents as well as an increasingly overbearing society. Everything we do is scrutinized, vetted, restricted. Whether it is clothes we wear, a sleep over, the manner in which we hold ourselves, how we walk, talk, sit… even a simple outing with friends needs permission, perhaps a guardian present, or at the very least we have a curfew to meet.

When I talked to few of my married female friends about this they had differing ideas. According to one woman, after she got divorced from her first marriage in her early twenties she went abroad for work. She had spent three years there and claims that was the happiest time of her life. However when she came back she was force to get married by her mother, she claims that she does not experience the freedom she had when she was abroad all by herself.

The second woman I talked with partially agreed with the statement that she has freedom to go where she wants after marriage. Funnily enough she said that her father still calls her and tries to find out whether she is out alone and does not rest until her husband reassures him that he is with her. And while she gained freedom to go wherever she wants, and do whatever she wants, she still feels restricted by what she terms “marital responsibilities.” Another woman shared that while she did her higher studies abroad, she had male friends, traveled alone with male friends, and her parents were aware of this, however, when she returned to Sri Lanka,  she had to once more adhere to a curfew and all the usual rules that Sri Lankan daughters follow.

Similarly, I did my higher studies in Australia, and had to work night shifts. Most of the time no one knew where I was, or who I was with. I had my own car and some days I would come home around 2am. Still, when I returned to Sri Lanka after 5 years of this independent living, I also had to adhere to a curfew as well as seek permission to go out. When I told my family that I looked after myself for 5 years without a problem and I know how to take care of myself, their response was that “this is Sri Lanka” and that “the situation here is different.” Sri Lankan parents who have daughters are constantly concerned for their daughter’s safety, and this is exacerbated by an underlying cultural stigma associated with women’s behaviour. “What will neighbors say?” “What if a rumor starts?” “Who are we going to marry her off to?” All this adds to strictures of family life for a single unmarried woman in Sri Lanka.

So, while I understand the reasoning behind our parents’ actions within a culture of male entitlements that allows for sexual violence to be sadly commonplace, I often wonder at the repercussions on us Sri Lankan women. Marriage is arguably a union of two individuals. Do Sri Lankan parents adequately prepare the individual, make her ready for marriage? Women who always need approval and permission – how does that affects them with a marital remationship that is inherently governed by patriarchal notions? Do these women go from one form of dependency [on her parents] to another [on her husband]? Isn’t it tragic that a girl born in Srl Lanka never really gets to experience a freedom of her own, and that she is dependent on a man to rescue her and provide her with that freedom? That too, perhaps, only for the fortunate few. Not all women speak of freedom within marriage. Perhaps the freedom she experienced with her parents ended the day she married her husband. When will we be able to move beyond needing the validation of a man – father, brother, boyfriend, spouse?